I have a Mom. I learned at school that not all kids have Moms. Like Sally Jenkins, she only has a Dad and a pet frog and a frog does not make a good mother. My mom doesn’t like to be called “Mother”. She says it’s too formal, but sometimes I call her that anyway. Especially when she makes me eat my peas or clean my bedroom.
My Mom is tall and she walks much bigger than I do. It’s hard to keep up with her when she’s in a hustle. She was in a big hustle on Saturday. That was the day Daddy reminded her that Grandma Bess and Grandpa Don were coming to our house for Christmas. They are bringing Aunt Kelly and Uncle Jake too. They all live very far away. It’s so far that you have to go over a big bridge to another planet before you get there. They call it the U.P. but I think they should call it “up”. I hate when adults try to spell things so that you don’t understand what they are saying. It always hurts my brain trying to spell that fast in my head.
Anyway, Mom said to Dad “When were you going to tell me about this? When they knocked on the door?” and she looked mad at him.
Dad said ” I thought that I told you about it” and then he didn’t say anything else, because he was scared of Mom I think.
That’s when Mom got a little batty and started writing a very long list for Daddy of all the things he had to do if “his” family was going to stay at our house. It was a longer list than Santa’s I think.
Mom told me to get my coat because we had to go shopping for Christmas Presents. She got Timmy and Sam’s coats. Timmy and Sam are my baby brothers. They are twins, but they don’t match. Sam is cuter, but Timmy is nicer. Their for real names are Timothy and Samuel, but I call them Timmy and Sam. om doesn’t like that. She doesn’t like when my friends call me Jelly Bean either. She tells them that my name is Angelica Bean and not to call me anything else. She said she chose our names for a reason and if anybody has the right to change them it’s her. Then she talks about how she screamed in the hospital for sixteen hours before she farted my brothers out or something. I think that’s why they smell like P.U.
I get to ride in the front seat. I always do except when Daddy drives and then I let Mom sit in my seat, only I don’t have a choice I think, because she just climbs in and doesn’t even ask. But when Dad’s not with us I sit up front and maybe I always will because I have little babies for brothers and there are laws that tell Mom they have to sit in a car seat until they are big like me. That will take a real long time I think.
“What are we going to buy huh? because I have te bestest gift ideas you ever heard of. I am better than an elf I think and Santa’s really old. Older than Grandpa I think. So I know more what’s cool,” I said.
“Grandma likes candles. I thought we could look in the candle shop for some pretty candles for her house”, Mom said.
I thought that was a fantabulouse idea because Grandma’s house could use help in the smelly department. It smells like goat and sweaty feet.
Christmas must be busier this year because the mall was way more packed than normal. Mom drove around for nerly an hour looking for a spot to put our car. She’s very picky I think.
I was starting to feel sick from all the circles we did and Sam was screaming like a banjo. She finally found a spot at the very back of the parking lot. And when the car stopped my stomach jerked real hard and I puked on the seat and my jeans and a little got on Mom’s purse too. Mom closed her eyes and leaned her head against the headrest. I think she was thinking about screaming or maybe crying. I didn’t want her to cry so I leaned over to hug her, but then I got puke on her too and I didn’t even mean for that to happen.
I have the coolest Mom in the world though, cause she hugged me back anyway and said we were the hurley burley twins and we had shopping to do. She wiped us up a little with baby wipes and we were off to the mall, orange pukey stains and all. I’m lucky to have a Mom and not a frog.
Novelized 